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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26044186">Being Alive Is Difficult And Actively Painful</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/999blackflowers/pseuds/999blackflowers'>999blackflowers</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>999's Layluke Oneshots [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Layton Kyouju Series | Professor Layton Series</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anal Sex, Angst, Awkward Sex, Eating Disorders, Hotel Sex, Howling On My Keyboard, Inexperienced Sex, Luke is an adult, M/M, Oral Sex, Queer awakening, Sexual Experimentation, Suicidal Thoughts, fuck you</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:08:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,403</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26044186</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/999blackflowers/pseuds/999blackflowers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke Triton takes a risk going on a case with Hershel Layton for the first time in years and finds himself redeveloping feelings he hoped to bury. This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't supposed to happen.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hershel Layton/Luke Triton</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>999's Layluke Oneshots [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1721320</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Being Alive Is Difficult And Actively Painful</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A/N from 999blackflowers: Hello, this was a request for a person who wanted to remain anonymous! She wanted me to write hotel sex with adult Luke and Hershel and I howled on my keyboard to create this. Luke's eating disorder is partially self-harm based because I felt like he would self harm in ways that aren't immediately violent but more to try and have some kind of control over himself because everything else is Awful. I kind of brush the surface of some painful things in this so sorry. Pay attention to the trigger warnings.</p><p>TRIGGER WARNINGS:<br/>Eating Disorders<br/>Self Harm<br/>Suicide Discussion<br/>Suppressing One's Sexuality</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Luke sat with his unmoving pen against the page, sitting hunched over a desk. The hotel he sat in was lavish, even the desk seemed expensive. Lovely freshly painted walls, a window out to the city, thick heavy velvet curtains. The light hanging from the ceiling had lit the room in a lovely golden glow. Hershel had paid for the hotel in full, two double beds and a whole bathroom suite  He didn’t know what to write. Today had been a strange day, although something he’d expected. It felt like everything had been turned on its head today. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just a simple case. Like they used to do. Hershel had invited him promising a good getaway if nothing more. He knew going was a bad idea, he knew he’d develop some kind of feelings again coming here. But he wanted to kill himself every day of his life and maybe he thought this outing with Hershel was the solution, like it was just possible for him to pack up his life to live with him again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He still sat with his pen not moving. So much to write. Or maybe he could just not write. Journalling was something he’d picked up from Hershel, but it felt like a book of shame. He moved his pen to write his daily calorie intake he’d counted as 100 at the top of the page. That was 50 more than yesterday. Yesterday he’d eaten a cracker and today Hershel had smiled at him and passed him a pear he’d bought from the market they visited. If he wasn’t going to try the fresh bread or the coffee or the quiche or the hummus or paella or crepes, he could try some of the produce instead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke bit his lip. There was a sense of control he got from eating very little, strangely enough. He couldn’t bear to look at himself in the mirror or even wear fitting clothes, even though he often had to shop in the children’s section given his height. He just felt a visceral disgust with his whole </span>
  <em>
    <span>being </span>
  </em>
  <span>on a daily basis. Fat, useless, disgusting miserable psychopath who couldn’t feel enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Two firm warm hands came down onto his shoulder. The touch startled him, quickly covering his journal with his sleeve as he looked up. Hershel stood behind him, wearing a loose button up shirt and his checked tartan pyjama pants. His hat had been placed on one of the bedside tables, revealing his auburn hair as tousled and slightly damp from his shower. He wasn’t a particularly thin man, he had a pudgy belly and some fuzz on his chest visible from the open collar. Luke felt lightheaded as he met his gaze.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you </span>
  <em>
    <span>sure </span>
  </em>
  <span>you’ve eaten enough today?” Hershel spoke in his usual soft rumble. His eyes seemed like pure compassion and sympathy. The understanding and connection radiating off of him was like nothing Luke had felt or understood in years</span>
  <em>
    <span>.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve eaten enough.” Luke croaked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you say so, then.” Hershel’s firm hands rubbed over his thin frail shoulders, gripping them for a moment if only just to feel. “You’re quite startlingly thin, dear boy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not a </span>
  <em>
    <span>boy</span>
  </em>
  <span> anymore.” Luke tried to object, but he felt like butter underneath his grasp. His skin felt hot all over. He’d been comfortable just a minute ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s very true, I apologize. You’ve grown up to be quite a lovely young man.” Hershel patted his shoulders once more. “I’m quite proud of who you’ve grown up to be.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke briefly thought back to what his aspirations were as a young teenager. Well, his crush on the Professor was at the forefront of his mind at all times. Then being a </span>
  <em>
    <span>true gentleman, </span>
  </em>
  <span>then being at the Professor’s side, then… He sighed. Perhaps a part of him still longed for that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d wasted his life so far. What was he doing?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not proud of it, so much.” Luke admitted in a gentle whisper as Hershel moved to the bed he’d claimed to pick up the phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We could order some room service if you’re hungry.” Hershel opted, one of his large hands on the receiver. “They have all sorts of lovely things from the looks of it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m alright.” Luke had remembered seeing huge blocks of chocolate on the menu pinned to the check-in counter, and the idea </span>
  <em>
    <span>tempted </span>
  </em>
  <span>him. But he couldn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hershel set the receiver down to plod over to the curtains, closing them to block the city lights, turning his head to speak to Luke. “Is it alright if I turn the lights out? I could use some rest.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you need.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The desk lamp remained on as the main lights clicked off, leaving most of the room in darkness. Hershel crawled into the right bed he’d claimed for himself, leaving Luke once again with nothing written down but his calorie intake for that day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luke had been planning to sleep, but a haze had come over him as the night grew older. He’d failed to write anything and thus went to bed, but only found himself tossing and turning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Delirium had driven him to stand. He loomed over Hershel’s sleeping frame as he snoozed. Perhaps it was that he snored ever so slightly that kept him from going to sleep, but the heat in Luke’s skin was still lingering. His hands were shaking, perhaps partially from hunger, or… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was arousal. He knew it was. Luke felt it usually catching glimpses of the television to see a particular actor or sometimes something as pathetic as an male mannequin underwear model. He was a sad, sad queer being and there wasn’t much he could do about it. Pushing it down had only brought him pain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shaking Hershel’s shoulder lightly, the man shifted with a grumble, one of his eyes opening a slit as he turned his head to stare up at the man.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did something happen?” Hershel croaked. “Do we need to leave, Luke? What time is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“N-no, it’s…” Luke felt regret seep into his stomach as he realized he may have made a mistake waking him. “This was stupid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you’d like me to order room service for you still-” Hershel was still somehow in good humour, even after being woken up so late.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, sorry, I’d like to…” Luke bit his lip and balled his hands into fists. “I’d like to </span>
  <em>
    <span>experiment.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Experiment?” Hershel slowly blinked, but a sympathetic smile crossed his face. “Dear boy, do you mean we should try sleeping together?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, yes, but, like, not sleeping in the same bed, but-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know what you mean, Luke, if it’s something you’d like to try, I’d love to. With you.” Hershel rubbed one of his eyes with a balled fist and sat himself up, pushing the bed covers back. The lack of resistance and mere </span>
  <em>
    <span>acceptance </span>
  </em>
  <span>of his proposition left Luke confused, but relieved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gingerly, Luke knelt over Hershel’s legs and sat down, his legs on either side of his knees. The prospect of having sex with a man was unthinkable, but having sex with </span>
  <em>
    <span>Professor Layton, </span>
  </em>
  <span>his </span>
  <em>
    <span>lifelong idol </span>
  </em>
  <span>was another thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I- I don’t know how to start this.” Luke admitted hoarsely. Hershel ever so gently pushed his own pyjama pants down off his waist and pulled his half hard cock out. Luke felt his heart beat faster looking at it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you’d like to start with something non-penetrative, you could touch me or use your tongue on me, </span>
  <em>
    <span>or </span>
  </em>
  <span>you could kneel in front of me and I could please you.” Hershel’s voice was gentle as he guided him. Luke took a moment to decide.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I’ll…” Luke shuffled forward on his legs to take Hershel’s cock in both his hands. He didn’t know what constituted a large cock, but the professor’s was slightly larger than his own. He felt his own cock pulsing in his pants. He leaned down to lap at the head, drawing a soft groan from Hershel’s lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he moaned, Luke almost jolted and squeezed his cock just a bit harder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re doing well.” Hershel grunted, pulling a pillow to push behind himself to prop himself up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke pushed himself down and tried to take the man’s whole length in his mouth, finding it too big to fit. He pulled off with a gag and wiped the corner of his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“S- sorry, it’s just…” Luke had an embarrassing moment trying to remember the last time he’d had sex, and felt shame scorch his insides. He hadn’t been able to get hard no matter what </span>
  <em>
    <span>she </span>
  </em>
  <span>did or wore. He felt nausea rise in his throat. He was a pathetic worm of a man, and he couldn’t perform oral on a man either. His train of thought was interrupted by a hand coming to his shoulder, then sliding to his chin. Hershel’s hand brushed against rough stubble.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s no shame in stopping. Or if you’d like to keep going, we could try something different.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, no, I just don’t know what I’m doing.” Luke exhaled, frustrated and ashamed, but he felt in good hands. “Sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No one is good at oral on their first try.” Hershel assured him, putting his hand in the back of Luke’s hair. “You’re going to have to try and take me into your throat.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke ticked that over and allowed Hershel to push his head down again to his cock, wet with saliva and precum. He took in the head as the fingers in his hair stopped pushing him, but slipped down to rub his neck. Carefully, Luke slid down and took Hershel into his throat slowly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn’t feel comfortable, but he tried to bob his head. He felt Hershel’s hips twitching and both hands moving to his hair. A shudder ran through Luke’s whole body at the sound of the older man’s moan. His skin felt hot all over, yet cold. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke pulled off to gasp for air, wiping his mouth once again. Hershel was a beautiful sight leaning against the cushions, arms spread. His chest was heaving. He wanted to see what was underneath his shirt and shuffled forward on his legs, taking the buttons of his pyjamas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke paused, but Hershel gave him a nod to begin. Excitement and heat danced on Luke’s skin as he undressed him and pushed the shirt off his shoulders, finally able to see his chest and belly in the dim light. He smoothed his hands over his soft fuzzy hair covered chest and down to his pudgy belly. Luke could feel his cock twitching.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you mind if I return the favour?” Hershel whispered. Luke nodded and let the professor begin to undress him. Having his shirt lifted up over his head, he for a moment felt shame as he realized what he’d done.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hershel’s hands were so big on his chest. He wondered if they could fit around his waist. But the man’s fingers traced over his exposed ribs and sunken stomach, followed by a sad sigh. “I was worried about this.” He spoke with great sympathy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I know.” Luke croaked. “I’m- I’m trying to lose weight. I’m sorry. It’s disgusting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“On the contrary, you’re quite underweight, dear boy.” Hershel murmured, but his hands fell to Luke’s waistband to tug it down. “If you’d like, we could try anal sex. You could ride me, I’m not entirely sure how safe it would be to push you down like this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke allowed his pants to be pushed down, and felt two fingers slip inside him. Hershel’s fingers were thick and drew a whine from Luke’s throat, but boy that felt good. Luke’s own cock was throbbing and dripping, Hershel’s free hand moving to touch it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ho- how’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>this </span>
  </em>
  <span>going to work?” Luke grunted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Unfortunately, we don’t have lube, so I’ll be gentle with you.” Hershel whispered, his hands moving to Luke’s hips for a moment to position his frail body, then a hand to his own cock to align himself with his entrance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>incredible </span>
  </em>
  <span>all of a sudden with the tip of the man’s cock against his entrance. Moving to sit down, his own saliva somehow functioned as a passable lubricant to let him take Hershel’s cock in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bottoming out, Luke’s fingers tensed. He tensed all over for a lovely moment just to moan at how </span>
  <em>
    <span>good </span>
  </em>
  <span>it all felt inside him. He felt so filled up, yet Hershel was so patient. So caring. So loving, a guiding beacon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you feeling okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please.” Luke gasped. Hershel took his cock and began to pump him and thrust his hips up into the younger man’s frail body. Luke was able to let his eyes move over Hershel again, wishing they had the lights on to see him entirely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wanted to see every mark on his skin, every beautiful blemish. The light soft chest fuzz and his form. He was by no means a thin man, but somehow his figure turned Luke on more than any woman he’d ever tried being with. This was what attraction felt like. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tipping his head back, Luke shifted his hips in circles to fuck himself out harder. The sensation hurt, but his whole body felt so hot. Hershel’s hand on his cock, the man’s breath, his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Hersheeeelll.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Luke let the man’s name escape his lips, heat rising as he felt his orgasm approaching. He gasped as Hershel thrust deeper, hitting </span>
  <em>
    <span>some </span>
  </em>
  <span>place deep inside him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re doing so good, Luke.” Hershel’s voice wavered, and somehow his words brought Luke to his climax. His hips stuttered as he came, a rope of semen winding up on Hershel’s chest and belly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luke bounced down hard, and yelped as he felt warm seed fill his insides. Bliss flooded him and a daze came over his mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hershel and Luke found themselves tangled in each other’s arms. Luke could smell soft lavender on the man’s hair, and although they were too hot pressed so close together under the covers, he couldn’t be happier.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A question rose to Luke’s throat, regardless. He’d been trying to not think about it, but it had become a persistent worry. What would they do once this case ended? Was there a way they could live together, or had they sealed their fates?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you ever think about suicide?” Luke broke the silence with a whisper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Every day.”</span>
</p>
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